what a fucking ASSHOLE i manage to be at times, what's wrong with me?

what am i doing what am i doing what am i doing?

he was there, eating lunch alone, it's the first time i see him fully alone, as if his friends left him for some reason, was it me? of course it was me, all i do is separate people, again and again.

i get next to him and sit down in the same bench, he was so so so dead this time around, it was scary, i didn't like him before but seeing him like this felt like sitting next to a wild animal, fueled by emotion and instinct alone, still in place yet moving desperate, sitting yet running through the motions.

and even though i also felt this inmense need of, wanting to do good, it felt so hard to break through this barrier, it felt like i was about to run into
a

wall .

but so...

"I am sorry."

"Look, I know I-... I know I treated you badly last time, and... and I wanted to give you something I made, something that I felt like it was the right thing to do, please... I-..."

he glanced at the box i made for him, he hates it, it's awful, i am awful, this is garbage, everything i touch becomes disgusting, animal, lowly, like a dog trying to bury it's teeth into everything it smells with it's disgusting black nose, gnawing mindless, all i do is wrong, all i make is disgusting, because I am disgusting, he hates it, and for good reason, i know he does, i know he

"Charlie this is... this is beautiful"

"Charlie, you didn't have to do this, it's amazing!"

it's not, why do you lie to me? stop lying!

"Charlie, look, I know you didn't say it off your chest, I know I was probably a bit too pushy, but I just really wanted to know you! Because you're interesting to me, I saw you being sad and, I felt compelled to at least try to make you feel any better, and... it doesn't seem like it worked."

"I know life might have treated you badly, but please, I want to be your friend, will you let me?"

...

he clearly doesnt kn